Despair
by Serah Villiers
Summary: Sequel to Guilt. Misato has never given up in her life; and even though things are bad they can only get better, right?


**The second part of the 'Life versus Death' arc, the first part was 'Guilt' and concentrated on Shinji. You might want to read that one before this one, as it's a continuation.**

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**Misato: Despair**

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_I can't cry. I can't depend on anyone else. Maybe my father won't hate me if I'm good._

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Misato had long ago vowed never to cry, but it seemed nowadays that promise had been thrown out of the window. Every night was the same routine; down a few cans of beer, watch a little television and then cry herself to sleep. It was comforting in a way, as if her pain flowed out with her tears.

She was always crying over men, too. Kaji could reduce her to tears, even though now he was little more than a memory. Just imagining his smile could produce a fresh wave of tears. And then of course there was Shinji; the third child, pilot of Eva Unit 02. He could cause her so much emotional grief, though he'd probably end up killing himself to know he was causing someone else so much pain.

Could and did, or at least a good attempt at it.

That was why Misato was sitting in the back of an ambulance, watching and praying while two paramedics fought for Shinji's life. The boy lay perfectly still, as if in deep sleep, though a frown adorned his features. Unconsciously she reached out to take his pale, lifeless hand in her own. The metal bangles on her wrist clinked together with a quite metallic ring.

"Shinji hold on, please just hold on."

One of the paramedics turned to her, his hazel eyes burning into hers.

"Do you have any idea what may have caused this? His breathing is very irregular, though he has lost a fair amount of blood we think he may also have taken some kind of drug, perhaps one that would induce sleep?"

"Drugs? No, I don't think Shinji would do something like that…"

The paramedic nodded once, but remained unconvinced. He noted down on a chart to run a blood test for OTC drugs. The other paramedic nudged him and spoke in a low voice.

"He's a pilot, right? He'd be able to get his hands on any kinds of drugs from the labs at NERV."

The first paramedic nodded and amended the note to read; Blood test for OTC drugs and analgesics/anaesthetics; suspected drug abuse and possible addiction. Though he tried to write it down as discreetly as possible, Misato saw the note. She didn't want to believe it was true, but if Shinji was willing to cut himself intentionally then perhaps he would also take drugs to relieve his pain? It dawned on her that she knew very little about the boy.

The ride thereafter seemed to Misato very short, she was mulling over the thoughts in her mind as Shinji was taken to the NERV on-site medical facilities. Ritsuko was there waiting having already been briefed by one of the medical personnel, she glanced at Shinji as he was placed onto a stretcher and wheeled away.

"Major Kats-"

"Don't say it, just don't say anything. This is my fault I know, I should have treated the Kowaru incident better, and I should have known that Shinji would try something like this."

"I was going to offer you some vodka."

Misato looked up at her friend with tear blurred eyes, the blonde was smiling sympathetically and offering a bottle of rather expensive, and very high proof, vodka. Sighing deeply the raven haired woman took the bottle and downed a mouthful, coughing slightly as the blend burned her throat.

"I get the feeling you're going to need more of this by morning." Ritsuko nodded solemnly.

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"Blood tests are back, and we have some rather disturbing news. It seems Shinji has been taking chemicals from the NERV labs, and this boy has been doing his homework. He stole only analgesics and anaesthetics; drugs to relieve pain and produce reversible states of unconsciousness."

"How could he know what to take? He hasn't been taught anything like that, has he?"

Ritsuko was staring at Misato when asking this; as his legal guardian she was responsible for his welfare and education. But the woman knew nothing; she had no idea where Shinji would have learned about effects of drugs. Unless…

"I have to make a phone call, excuse me please."

She walked out of the overly-sterile room and whipped out her mobile; the pre-programmed number listed under 'home' began to ring and was virtually instantly picked up.

"Hello? Misato, is that you?"

"Yes Asuka, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, a little shaken but fine. Um…how's…you know…" Misato sighed slightly.

"He's better; the wounds weren't the main problem. There was something else though, the doctors ran a few blood tests on him and they came back positive for several drugs that we suspect he acquired from NERV. Thing is he only took exactly what he needed, as if he knew what he was looking for which is impossible since he can't know that much about pharmacology."

Misato stopped when she heard Asuka gasp on the other end and then begin to cry slightly. When she spoke it was in a low whisper.

"I'm so sorry…I didn't know…"

"Asuka?"

"He was asking me about different kinds of drugs, I was busy at the time and wasn't really paying attention to what he was asking. I must have told him everything he wanted to know."

"Asuka, it's alright, no one's blaming you. But I do need to know exactly when this happened, so we can find out how long he's been taking them."

"It was, about a week ago I think. Yeah, I just came out of hospital and that Kowaru guy had been gone for a while. Shinji seemed really beat up about that, he was so broody, he kept saying Kowaru was the only one who understood him and he'd killed him. And something about Rei too…she wasn't the same or something. I didn't think he was making much sense, so I just ignored him. I had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on. And then he started asking me stuff; that must have been it."

"Thank you, Asuka. Could you do me a favour? Shinji's room is a bit of a mess; could you just quickly tidy it for him? Ritsuko says that as soon as the drugs are cleared from his system he can come home, and that it'll be better for him to be in a familiar environment, and since his room is usually so clean-"

"Of course. Misato get some coffee or something, you sound tired. I'll go clean his room." Asuka answered very quietly.

"Thanks Asuka."

Replacing her phone in her purse Misato leaned against the wall.

_Wow, she's being unusually helpful. I'm just glad I'm not going to be the only one helping Shinji out…Damn, I should have asked her to get some more beer._

Sighing heavily she pushed away from the wall and opened the medical room door with her key card. Two more people had joined the group, now not only were Ritsuko and two medical staff sitting on hard plastic chairs but Gendo Ikari had made a show. Shinji would appreciate it had he been awake, but Misato knew he wasn't here to visit his son. With him was the silent wonder known as Rei Ayanami, instead of her usual stoic mask she was frowning, and was uncharacteristically the first to speak.

"Dr. Akagi, will Shinji make a full recovery?"

The blonde rubbed her eyes and took a sip from her Styrofoam cup before answering.

"I don't know. Physically yes, he will recover; his wounds were not particularly life-threatening and the drugs will be removed by tomorrow. Mentally though I have no idea if he'll ever recover."

Rei's eyes fell to the floor and she became silent once again. Commander Ikari had heard enough and left without saying a word, although he clicked his fingers indicating that Rei should follow him as he entered the elevator.

She stayed.

Misato felt a genuine smile forming as Rei stood her ground and took a seat next to Ritsuko. She was handed a cup of coffee, and after staring at it for a few seconds tentatively took a sip. Misato added a bit of vodka to 'liven up' her own coffee, she had a feeling she'd need it tonight.

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Shinji blinked as the harsh light attacked his eyes. He tried to sit up but felt too weak, instead he attempted to call out for someone, but found that his throat was dry and hurt terribly. He whimpered slightly, which caught the attention of the occupant of the plastic chair next to his bed.

Misato had been reading, though not really concentrating. As soon as she heard the slight sound her eyes darted to Shinji who was offering her a lopsided smile. She couldn't help but smile back.

"Shinji…" She trailed off helplessly, really not knowing what to say. He glanced down at the white covers, he couldn't say anything if he had wanted to.

"Unusual for me not to know what to say, huh? I'm not going to yell at you, though right now I really need to yell at _someone_, but you don't deserve it. How about if we just start over? Everything will be okay now; you don't have to fight anymore."

The dark haired boy felt tears prickle at his eyes; Misato was willing to forgive him for everything…maybe he could start again?

"Mi…sato…"

"Shh, don't speak. I better go tell Ritsuko that you're awake; she's so uptight that she'll probably shoot me if I don't. I'll be back soon Shinji." The boy just nodded and allowed his eyes to flutter closed, though he wasn't granted the sleep he wished for.

-

Misato exited the briefing room, the mechanical door obediently closing itself with a satisfied beep. She leaned her head against it, pressing her forehead against the cool metal. A single tear graced her cheek.

"Why does everything go so wrong? Is it me? I wish…I wish Kaji was here…even if it's just sexual I need a relationship. I need to feel loved. I…I…Shinji…"

More tears fell, and she unconsciously gripped the cross pendant around her neck, the sharp corners biting into her pale flesh, droplets of crimson fell to the sterile floor. She shakily regained her composure, wiping at the blood on her hand and straightening her uniform. It's amazing how creased a shirt can get in one night.

She cleaned the cross of her blood and stared at the shining pendant. Memories threatened to resurface and she once again found tears stinging at her cheeks. She could have laughed at herself had she not been so upset; she had once long ago promised herself not to cry anymore, because no one wanted a child that kept crying all the time. She had rarely broken this promise…up until tonight where she had virtually cried solidly. Yet no one cared.

No one seemed to mind that she was crying, and Ritsuko had even encouraged it. Maybe it wasn't bad to cry, that sometimes emotional turmoil requires one to show their emotions.

"Great; now I sound like Rei. And I'm talking to myself. Fantastic. It's alright; you only have a problem when you start answering yourself. Yeah, that's right…crap"

She realised that she had slid down to the floor, the papers she had been carrying were scattered around her, some had tear drops soaked into them, making the ink appear fuzzy. She blinked several times to clear her eyes of saline water and regained her composure.

"Maybe it's okay to cry sometimes; maybe it even makes you stronger."

Gathering the papers Misato summoned enough strength to make it back to Shinji's room.

"If only crying would help Shinji…"

**Owari

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**Please review.**

**Finally I uploaded this; I lost the disc that had the rest of this arc saved on. The sequel to this; 'Loneliness'concentrates on Rei.**

_-Completed: __18th August 2004_

_-Dagger_


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